BREAKING: Norpl is Missing

To Whom It May Concern,

I hope this blog post finds you well this holiday season. 2020 has been a tumultuous year and I hope that each and every one of one can take comfort in friends and family, no matter how you celebrate Thanksgiving and beyond.

However, I am writing today not only to wish you well but in a desperate cry for help. Last night, at eleven o’clock on November 25, in the year of our Lord 2020…. Major: Undecided’s Norpl went missing. That’s right, Norpl is gone. When we went down to the Major: Undecided Basement to perform the routine change of their water, food, Marpmomp and to collect their mortgage payment…. we found that they had broken out of their Tim Tamp and had run off into the night.

Norpl meant a lot to everyone in Majors. Since the group’s inception, Norpl has kept us safe, fed, and warm. No one knits warmer Rimromps than Norpl. No one has quite the culinary mastery of lemon curd that Norpl commanded. Norpl was perhaps, by all accounts, one of the guiding lights of the group. I mean, sure, Norpl was a little edgy from time to time. They did really support the Reagan administration. That wasn’t so great in hindsight. But Norpl made up for it in recent years. They loved the Green New Deal. In Norpl’s words, “Ed Markey is handsome and I unequivocally support his reelection."

Norpl has been missing for 26 spongs, but can’t have gotten very far on their 18 blumlums. They respond to some of the following monikers: Norps, Norpsie, Norpsiepoo, Norpsiepoodle, Sweetie, My Darling, Lovely Friend of Comedians Everywhere, Robocop, Sir Elton John, and Henry Kissinger’s Contribution to the Military-Industrial Complex. Please leave out a warm saucer of milk and a buttermilk biscuit drenched in soy sauce. If you really want to help draw our sweet Norpl out of hiding, you could hum the Teletubbies theme song backwards and think of something that makes you feel very cold.

Please help us bring Norpl back to their Goobnus. We flaunch them very much.

Sincerely,

Major: Undecided