8 Signs Your Boyfriend is Actually American Jazz Pianist Thelonius Monk

Folks, you may think you know your boyfriend inside and out. Well, I got news for you: all boyfriends have a big secret. 9 times out of 10, the secret is that he is actually the late jazz piano pioneer Thelonius Monk. I know what you’re thinking - - “Of course! It explains so much!” If, however, you remain unconvinced, this list will be sure to light a fire in your britches.

8 Signs Your Boyfriend is Actually American Jazz Pianist Thelonius Monk

He won’t tell you what his middle name is.

If your boy toy won’t tell you his middle name, it’s probably because his middle name is something dumb like Sphere. That’s Thelonius Monk’s middle name! Tread carefully.

You don’t know what he does for a living.

Red flag alert! If your beau keeps his occupation a secret, it’s probably because he makes his money playing amphetamine-fueled gigs at the iconic Harlem jazz club Minton’s Playhouse. That joint is jumping!

He’s really good at piano

Unless your boyfriend studied piano at piano school where he majored in piano, there is no excuse for him to be good at playing this silly instrument. If he skillfully tickles the ebony and ivory, you better willfully tickle him out the door cuz that means his name rhymes with Belonius Shmonk.

He’s isn’t really good at piano

What’s the best way to convince your partner that you aren’t a renowned keyboard-tapper? Show them that you are just no good at tapping keyboards! You may think this is a little devious, but if you ever bothered to crack open a book, you’d know Thelonius Monk was famous for his cunning. Sly Thelonius Monk, they called him. Total Slytherin!

You’ve never heard him play piano

He knows if he plays piano in front of you, he will give you enough information to ascertain whether or not he is, in fact, legendary music man Thelonius Monk (see above).

He wears a zoot suit and uses jazz jargon.

Everyone has their quirks, but if that special someone always wears this high waisted ensemble and asks if you’re “hep to the jive”, he might be hiding something. Beware!

When a Thelonius Monk song comes on the radio, your other half taps you on the shoulder and says, “I wrote that!”

Think about it, people. This would be quite a silly thing for him to say were he not the seminal improvisational jazz virtuoso.

When he meets your parents, he says “Hi, my name is Thelonius Monk”

This may be the biggest red flag. If this happens, watch out! Your loverboy is definitely sexy bebop prodigy Thelonius S. Monk.